SHURTLE & TEEP

There once was a little turtle, called Shurtle.  Shurtle had spent his whole life wandering around with his house on his back.  While his shell kept him warm in winter frost, cool in summer sunshine, and dry in spring and autumn showers, it was cramped inside, and truth be told, more than a little smelly.  Shurtle decided that this house of his was no longer enough; what he wanted was a home.  So one day, he set out to find a nice place to live.

  He walked many, many miles, over many, many days.  Winter gave way to spring, and spring to summer.  On a particularly sweltering day, he saw a stranger approach him along the path.  This stranger was Teep.  Teep was a sheep, and he was panting heavily in the blistering heat, for even though it was now the height of summer, Teep still wore his winter coat.

  'Why are you wearing your winter coat on a day such as this?' Shurtle asked.

  'I don't have any choice,' Teep cried.  'I desperately want to take it off, but I spent all of my money on Benzedrine, so I can't afford a wool-cut!'

  'That is indeed a sad story,' Shurtle said.

  'And what is your story, Shurtle?  I hope it is happier than mine!'

  'I have nothing to complain about, I suppose.  I am simply looking for a place where I can settle down and build myself a home.'

  Teep's eyes widened.  'You're not going to believe your luck, for I am a master architect!  I have constructed buildings for both rich and famous the length and breadth of this land.  I would be delighted to build you a most amazing home.  The only thing I ask in return is that you pay to have me sheered.'

  Shurtle smiled.  'Well, it would seem this is a lucky day for both of us.  For you see, I am a qualified sheep shearer!'

  'No.  Way.'

  'Yes way!'

  Shurtle was not lying.  Turtles have very long lifespans.  Shurtle had already lived much of his (though he also had a long way to go), and thus far his life had proved an eclectic one.  He had pulled crocodile teeth, painted zebra stripes, untangled slithers of snakes, and proposed several very promising theories in the field of cold fusion.  And as luck would have it, in the years before he had worked as a hit man, but after his stint as a dance choreographer on Broadway, he had spent several months as a shearer of sheep.

  'I am indeed a qualified sheep sheerer,' Shurtle said.  'I studied under no less than the great sheepdog Wolfie.'

  Teep could not believe his good fortune.  'Well, what are we waiting for?  Rid me of this boiling burden, and I will build you the house of your dreams!'

  Shurtle thought on this a moment.  While it sure sounded like a reciprocal arrangement, he did not know Teep from Adam.  Time and experience had made Shurtle a cautious creature.  He had dealt with sheep before, and had found that the only thing more treacherous than a wolf in sheep's clothing was a sheep in sheep's clothing.  After careful consideration, Shurtle gave his answer.  'I will sheer you, Teep, but I must insist on shackling you here until such time as my new home is built.'

  'Whatever you want, Shurtle my friend; I am at your mercy!  Just please remove this sweaty fleece!'

  So Shurtle got to work.  Teep was suffering from mild sunstroke by this point, and he dozed as Shurtle went about his business.  First, Shurtle got a metal post and hammered it deep into the earth.  He clamped a metal shackle onto the post, and tied the other end firmly, but comfortably, around Teep's ankle.  Satisfied that Teep was secured, Shurtle grabbed his sheers.

  A short while later, Teep weakly opened his eyes.  He thought he must be dreaming, as there was a large mound of wool piled at his hooves.  But it wasn't a dream at all!  Teep leaped up and danced for joy.  'I'm free!  I'm free!'  Shurtle laughed at the sight of the now very skinny Teep as he pranced about.

  'I am delighted to see you so happy,' Shurtle said, 'and I am sure I will be just as happy when you build me my new home.'

  Teep stopped his dancing.  'Oh yeah.  That.  You are a kind-hearted soul, Shurtle, and as such, I am sure you understand that this whole ordeal has left me rather exhausted.  It is too late to begin work today.  I am going to go to sleep now, but first thing in the morning, I will begin construction on your home.'

  'That is fine,' Shurtle said.  'I am a turtle, after all, and in no rush!'

  'They say the best things come to those who wait,' Teep said, 'and this is going to be the best house ever, I promise you.'

  'I don't suppose you could add a swimming pool as well,' Shurtle asked sheepishly.

  Teep laughed.  'Sure why not; I might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb!'
  Though it had been a glorious day, the evening bought with it a mantle of gloomy cloud.  As premature darkness descended, Shurtle retreated into his shell, and Teep curled up on his bed of wool.

  Remember earlier I told you that Shurtle wasn't lying?  Well, the same is not true of Teep.  Teep wasn't a master architect at all.  He knew as much about constructing a house as you and I know about... constructing a house.  He only said he was so that Shurtle would give him money.  He thought because Shurtle spoke slowly, that he was stupid, and it would be easy to pull the wool over his eyes.  Unfortunately, his lies had gotten him into this awkward situation.  He had to get out of there!

  As soon as he heard Shurtle's snores, Teep opened his eyes.  He hadn't been asleep at all!  He was just waiting for Shurtle to drop off, so he could make good his escape.

  Teep pawed at the ground where his shackles were tied to the post, but Shurtle had hammered it in really well (a skill he had acquired laying railroads in India).  However, fortune smiled on Teep.  Those dark clouds were thunderclouds, and at that moment, they released their pent up precipitation.  As the rain poured down, the ground became muddy, which in turn loosened the post!  Teep jimmied it back and forth and slowly but surely, the ground loosened its grip.

  Inside his shell, Shurtle was busy counting sheep, but unfortunately, not the one sheep who counted!  He was oblivious to the duplicity being perpetrated only a few feet away.  He slept on, comfortable in his shell, while the noise of the rain drowned out the sound of Teep's exertions.

  Inch by inch, Teep raised the metal post from the earth, but it just kept on coming!  Inches became feet, and still the pole remained firmly in place.  Damn it, though Teep, He must have known I was going to go on the lamb!

  It took many hours of struggle, but finally, Teep managed to extract the twelve foot metal pole.  He held it aloft and bleated in triumph.  He was free!

The next morning, Shurtle poked his head out of his shell.  The rain had stopped, and the sun once again warmed the land.  He looked over to where Teep should have been, but Teep, the shackles, and the metal post where all gone!  Shurtle sighed.  He had hoped that this was the end of his journey, but alas, he would have to continue with his search for a new home.

  A flash of light caught his eye.  Sunshine glinted off something about twenty feet away.  Curious, Shurtle set off to investigate.

  An hour later, he got there and found a grisly scene; it was Teep's blackened corpse, still shackled to the metal post.  It didn't take a detective from C.S.I. (Crime Sheep Investigation) to figure out what had happened.  Did you figure it out?  I bet you did!  When Teep held the pole aloft in triumph, it had acted as a lightning rod.  Shurtle felt a pang of sadness for poor Teep.  It was a truly shocking way to die.

  There really was only one course of action Shurtle could take.  He skinned Teep, and made a teep-ee out of his hide (a skill he acquired when working as a circus-hand in Argentina).  Shurtle then lined the teep-ee with Teep's wool, and that night, he celebrated in his new home with a delicious dinner of barbecued lamb.

THE END